Trials, Tribulations, and Hope

The last few months have been...interesting. One might think that due to my engagement I have been wrapped up in wedding planning and the reason why I have lost all communication or connection back home. Oh how I wish that were the case. Unfortunately, it hasn't been. So much has been going on, I haven't even known how to put it into words. I am finally attempting it and I hope it makes sense.

Life as a missionary is just not what I have expected. I guess I assumed because I was following God's calling, it would be easy or something. I know I've expressed in previous posts things being difficult here, but things only got more difficult after that. My friends and family have asked, what is so difficult? It's so hard to explain. I miss people back home like crazy. I miss luxuries and conveniences (like hot water and electricity ALL the time). I miss working at a school that has good leadership and where I feel like I have a voice that matters. And as grateful as I am to have met my soon to be husband, I haven't felt like I could even enjoy that to the fullest knowing my friends and family back home couldn't celebrate this time with me. Negative, negative, negative, right? Yep, that's what I've been drowning in for the last few months. I've had difficulty wanting to write anything that was going on here because I didn't know what to say without sounding completely hopeless. I wondered where God was and why he brought me here? I broke down several times and voiced I would not be coming back next year...it was just too hard (and I am not typically one to throw in the towel and give up). I didn't care though...take me back home.

In the last week though, some relief has been brought to me, to our school. Prayers are being answered and I can finally say I'm starting to see some purpose in all this difficulty. I am learning how to lean on God more for comfort instead of a nice shopping spree or trip out of town. Don't get me wrong, those weren't bad things, but I was leaning on them way too much. I feel like I've been in detox from all that this year and it's been painful. God is showing me how selfish I've been and am. I feel my covetousness is more evident than ever. However, through all these voices of negativity and feeling of hopelessness, God is also showing me where my hope can only lie. I am not here on my own strength and I can only continue with His strength. I see where God can use difficulty for good and for his glory. I am seeing where being obedient to him is being used to shape me into a better person; hopefully more like him. I never want to stop learning or growing as a person or in my relationship with the Lord. I know he is using all of these hard times to prepare me for what is to come and to use me for his glory. I am almost done with my first year here in Kenya. My small class of third graders is hopefully ready for fourth grade. I have learned to adapt to what it takes to teach here in the land of slow and "hakuna matata" no worries....HA....I mean, am getting better at that. I am just learning; learning to surrender and stop asking why to everything. At the end of all of this, I have hope. I think that's one of the most important things and one of the things I am grateful for in having a relationship with Christ. I have hope, there is purpose in life and all that is happening. As I prepare to celebrate Easter this weekend, I personally am so grateful that it's more to me than eating ham and deviled eggs. I am celebrating the one who suffered for me, a sinner, to become clean, and have the hope of an eternal life that is filled with hope and joy.

I continue to ask for prayers as I walk through this season of my life. Please know that that is one of the biggest things you can do for me as I am over here. I feel it and I know they are being answered. Proof of that, is that I will be coming back next year. I haven't crumbled and I continue to want to do whatever the Lord asks of me.